i wish i could explain my fears. but then again if you can explain your fears, they wouldn't be fears anymore would they? fears stem from an irrational feeling of insufficiency, of an inability to deal, or just because you don't not know what it is. i remember my mum telling me when i was a kid, how if everyone found out my fears, they would use it against me, to tease me, to threaten me, to scare me. so i kept all the most important fears hidden deep down inside. over time i let a few come to the surface in the presence of ppl i trust. my deep dark secrets. hah. one of them is a constant theme in my life. everyday i try to push it down, but there is not one day that it doesn't float in my mind. and it seems that many of my other fears grew out of that one fear. i can't really pinpoint when it all started. but its been there for as long as i remember. and probably quite a few of you who read this know about it. and over the years have taken the effort to calm/quell that fear. but being here makes it flare up so badly sometimes, that i'm at such a loss. i try looking at things to ease that fear, but the lack of action, the one-way-ness of it all is killing me. yet i don't know how to voice it out properly. i can't get past that mental barrier of hiding certain things. i want to say it out, and yet sometimes when i hear it in my own head, the whole monologue, i think i'm insane -.- much less from someone else.

i don't know why such thoughts keep coming to my mind.